Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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