I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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