Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
