Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
where are my eyebrows?
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