a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
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When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
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Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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