you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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