I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
