Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
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my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
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I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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