Can i not drive my cunt home
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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