our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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