I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
