My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
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woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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