Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
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