Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
