guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
