mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize