GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
