You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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