After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
