life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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