The maid of honor just puked.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
