Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
