my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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