Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
