All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
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Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
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He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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