I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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