sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
where are my eyebrows?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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