I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
