i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
