The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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