I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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