Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
