So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
