I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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