I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
