Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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