Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
