I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
