i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
