Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
