She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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