why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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