her vagine was all disorganized.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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