i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Randomize
