Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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