so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Every concussion has its silver lining
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
