Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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