Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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