Your dad touched me again.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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