Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
