You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
