I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
