I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
