The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
ok first of all what the fuck
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
